Today we need to talk about my toaster oven and Dua Lipa’s Break My Heart.
“Break My Heart” is a pop song and an earworm. There’s nothing wrong with that. I love a good earworm pop song, and so do you probably. Or at least you did at one point in your life. Maybe you had your mind set on a song in 1987 (or the same song in 1963), or maybe you once loved a song that told you what you want, what you really really want.
Almost every Beatles song is an earworm pop song, and if you’ve somehow never had a Beatles song take control of you at least briefly, then—well, you know, give them a try. I hear they’re okay. Fab, even.
“Break My Heart” was the hit single on Dua Lipa’s second studio album, released in 2020. It reached the top ten charts in 21 countries and is “certified platinum” in ten countries, and… ah, who cares about that stuff. You can listen to it on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Music, or wherever, and come back.
But. My toaster oven.
When my toaster oven completes a toast cycle, it plays three beeps. The sound is not a precise fit, but it is close enough to the hook of Dua Lupa’s song. The part that goes: “I would’ve stayed. at. home.” When my toast is done, I immediately sing the song. Every morning. Beep, beep, beep. I sing the song.
I don’t need to sing it aloud. I have self control! Sometimes I whistle it instead. After whistling for a few minutes, I then break into song. Because I only have a little self control. If I suppress these impulses, I will at least swivel my hips in an awkward fashion and then take three tight steps and swivel my hips the other way—something which approximates what 48-year old Vermont technical writers consider “dancing”.
We use the toaster at least once every morning, often more. And we toast our Red Hen Sesame Wheat and/or Mad River Grain in the evening in order to dip it into extra virgin olive oil and raw garlic which is what we have for dinner every night. (Don’t worry, we feed the kids other things sometimes.)
The next day, the cycle begins anew. I would’ve stayed at home. But then I would be living alone.
You understand the problem? The toaster oven is functional. It’s been in the family for over ten years and it may be part of our lives for another twenty. I do not mind this earworm pop song, but I do not love it. It’s fine, but I wish for it to fade from my memory like other earworm pop songs. It should be Caramelldansen. Or Gangnam Style. Or maybe even The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. We should have forgotten about it after a month, at most.
Instead? I am going to swivel my hips and whistle discordantly every time I eat toast indefinitely. I suffer. My family suffers. The world suffers.
Time for solutions. I will propose six solutions and then we’ll see if an AI can provide something better. At the bottom of this post there will be a link to a survey where you can tell me which solutions I should pursue, because while this is a satirical essay, I also consider the question dire.
Solution 1: This is your life now. Be grateful.
Douglas, let’s think about this.
In ancient times, especially in rural communities, how many new songs did you have in a lifetime? You might get five songs. Maybe ten. And half of them were about god’s wrath. And every time you picked apples everyone would sing the apple picking song. The only apple picking song. And every time you drank your mead you’d sing all five songs, and when you’d used them up? You’d sing them all again.
Dua Lipa’s Break My Heart is part of your life now, and you should be grateful. It could have been Karma Chameleon. Or I’m Gonna Be (500 miles). Or even The Final Countdown. You are incredibly fortunate.
Solution 2: Learn to use the broil setting.
This is extreme, I realize, but what is a toaster oven, anyway? It’s an electric oven. And the toast setting? A way to turn on the elements of that oven quickly and run them for a set amount of time. Upon completion of that time? Dua Lipa’s “Break My Heart”. Solution? Develop your own timing and use the broil or bake setting on the toaster.
Solution 3: Learn to appreciate Dua Lipa.
Pop artists are shackled by their hits, Douglas. Shackled! Don’t do that to Dua. Or at least explore the full range of her hits. Levitating still bangs. And did you know that her duet with Calvin Harris, One Kiss, was the best-selling song of 2018? I bet you didn’t.
Dua Lipa deserves better than to become a single pop song on your toaster, Douglas. Maybe get off your dandy privilege pony and realize that Dua was the oldest child of Kosovo Albanian immigrants and grew up in London—I’m sure that was super easy—and that when she first auditioned for the school choir her teacher told her that “she could not sing”? You’re going to reduce her to an amusing anecdote and a way to burn your high-fiber multigrain bread?
She was literally working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when she signed her first music contract…! And a few years later she became the first British female artist since Vera Lynn to have three top-ten singles in a single calendar year. Do you know what “Dua” means in Albanian? I do. And let me tell you: she doesn’t need your toast. You need hers.
Solution 4: Dance more, sing more, whistle more.
Douglas, all the self-deprecation about your dancing and whistling in the above text has me concerned. Does dancing make you feel happy? Then it is excellent dancing, because that is its purpose. Full stop. It sounds like maybe you are looking to an external judge to approve or disapprove of your dope moves, and that is seriously not on fleek. Please consider therapeutic earworm pop songs, such as Sad Disco, Dancing with Myself, Dance Like Nobody’s Watching, and the completely different song Dance Like Nobody’s Watching.
Solution 5: Step it up or else step down.
No just kidding, you look silly. Take a dance class or stop. Your teenager sees you and you are judged. And being judged and found wanting is unacceptable. If you don’t improve, you will never be loved. If you are not cool, interesting, and desirable then you will be cast forth into the cold abyss, torn asunder by the ice beasts. You will die, and no one will remember you or your pathetic hip swivel. They won’t even notice you are gone because your terrible singing and dancing relegated you to the lowest deck of possible friend, partner, or “person of value” in their lives. Take a dance class, or face the merciless black winds of time. Your choice.
Solution 6: Find other songs with the same beat.
There’s probably an algorithm that can do this for you, too! As observed above, the notes aren’t even exact. The beat or character of the rhythm or whatever is close enough that it evokes the song. Let’s find some more! Dear readers: please send me any songs that are close to the same three repeated note refrain. Serious bonus if that part of the song is in the earworm hook or chorus of the song. With a variety of songs to choose from, I can bop and swivel my hips and annoy my family with my whistling every morning for the next twenty years much more easily.
Discarded for time (I can’t write all day): Donate your toaster oven and get a new one. Hack your toaster oven. Wear earplugs. Play other music louder. (These options might be practical. I didn’t come here to be practical.) Give up toast. (Yeah right. never.)
Okay AI, I have a problem. My toaster oven plays Dua Lipa’s earworm “Break My Heart”, and that causes me to sing the song every morning. What should I do? Please list six solutions with a single paragraph explaining how the solution would help.
The AI’s response:
…something interesting happened here. I received 6 answers. The most enjoyable is here, for your enjoyment:
Seek Professional Help. If the earworm persists and significantly impacts your daily life despite trying various solutions, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). They can provide techniques and strategies to manage intrusive thoughts and behaviors, including ways to cope with persistent earworms like “Break My Heart”.
This is solid advice. Might be the best solution. All of the AI’s answers were good (earplugs, play a different song louder, move the toaster to a different room, etc), but rather… rigid? So I wrote as a follow-up:
“AI, please rewrite your solutions so they are funny.”
So here are the AI’s final responses:
Solution 7: Toaster Tunes Makeover.
Give your toaster oven a musical makeover! Instead of waking up to the same old Dua Lipa hit, program it to blast something completely unexpected, like a heavy metal rendition of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” You’ll be too busy headbanging to worry about earworms!
Solution 8: Earplug Extravaganza.
Embrace the toaster oven concert experience by rocking out with some flashy earplugs. Who needs front-row tickets when you can jam out in your kitchen while blocking out the earworm beats? It’s like having your own personal mosh pit, minus the spilled drinks.
Solution 9: Dueling Jams Strategy.
Turn your kitchen into a musical battleground! Counter Dua Lipa’s infectious tunes by cranking up a cacophony of bagpipes or a polka party anthem. The clash of musical genres will leave your brain too befuddled to remember any catchy choruses.
Solution 10: Toaster Oven Tango.
Shake up your morning routine by playing a game of kitchen shuffle! Move that toaster oven to a new location every day. One day it’s by the fridge, the next it’s chilling on the dining table. Who knows, maybe your toaster oven just needs a change of scenery to break the cycle of earworms.
Solution 11: Musical Buffet Bonanza.
Dive into a smorgasbord of musical delights! Expand your playlist to include everything from opera to yodeling to sea shanties. With such a diverse selection, your brain won’t know what hit it, let alone what song to get stuck on repeat.
Solution 12: Therapy for Toaster Troubles.
If all else fails, it might be time for some toaster therapy. Sit down with a shrink and discuss your toaster troubles. Who knows, maybe your toaster oven’s obsession with Dua Lipa is just a cry for help.
Dear readers—please take a few minutes to vote on the best solutions and add your own. Here’s the survey link:
Survey For This Entry: Break my heart; my toaster oven
And here are two ways to go listen to all those links above:
A Playlist of All Songs: Apple Music Link
Links to Music Videos: Break My Heart. 1987’s Got My Mind Set On You. 1963’s Got My Mind Set On You. Wannabee. Caramelldansen. Gangnam Style. The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. Karma Chameleon. I’m Gonna Be (500 miles). The Final Countdown. Levitating. One Kiss. Don’t You Want Me. Sad Disco. Dancing with Myself. Dance Like Nobody’s Watching. A different Dance Like Nobody’s Watching.
Thank you for reading!